Animals

Tonight I'm playing a game called, "Putting Off Long Overdue Projects By Blogging About Dumb Stuff".

It's a really fun game.

I spent my fifth birthday clubbing a baby seal to death, too. (Plato does not think this is funny)

Oh look, the backside of a polar bear. This is super odd, but I just think his hairy little feet are the cutest. Also cute: camel feet and mole feet. Not cute: raccoon feet and woodchuck feet.Vandalism at its finest. This has been on the lightpost at 14th and K for about a week now. I want to find the person who made it and bake them a cake. Does anyone know what this is, though? Some obscure cultural reference? I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a dog or a rabbit....

OK. Back to work. Bye.

Ghetto Home Fabulous: Trippin'

Disclaimer: This post is about Kansas. Since half of the people who read this blog were in Kansas with me, you should skip this unless you want to see really unflattering photos of yourselves.

OK. So. A whole posse of us Nebraskans went down to visit dear, dear Anna in Lawrence (Larry). I had been planning such a trip since last June, but sometimes it takes a while for me to make things happen.

Anywho, on Saturday I gassed up my buggy and headed southward. It's so nice to see unfamiliar towns - even p0-dunky ones. Most of my job involves reading very old regional newspapers, so it is cool to drive through, say, Nemaha City and see the old town hall and think, "Oh hey, that's where that guy got lynched in 1872 when he killed his fellow farmhand in a fit of rage!", heh heh.

Highway South 75, if you were wondering what it looks like, because I know you were:Three hours into the trip, as I was attempting to simultaneously drive, discuss the movie "Inception" with my brother over the phone, peel a banana with my teeth, and sing along to the only CD I could find in my car - the, uhh, Phantom of the Opera soundtrack, I realized that I was not on the recommended google maps course. How did that happen, I wonder?

"I'm lost!" I whined to my brother. "I don't even know what town I'm in right now!" Then I saw a sign that said "Welcome to Lawrence, KS."

"Oh wait. Nevermind. Bye."

The first thing I did was find a bathroom and eat a buffalo burger. Not at the same time. Local Burger makes these delicious sweet potato fries called "Progressive Potatoes". I think they should change the name to "Totally Tasty Tubers." Anna's apartment is a den of awesome - pink walls, minty kitchen, shamazing wig collection, cats named Scully and Mulder - not to mention the Tiger Beat poster of Michael J. Fox hanging over the oven, bestillmyheart.

Torture Garland

Mulder the Cat

Sexy Priest CalendarAfter lunch, we headed towards Clinton Lake. We didn't have swimsuits, so we stopped by Target on the way to pick some up. Pickins were kind of slim, so I had to settle on a 50's style one-piece that gave me pointy torpedo boobs.

When we finally found the lake, there was a thunderstorm and the beach was closed due to flooding. We did what any sensible people would do and went swimming at the boat ramps instead. The rain was chilly, but as Tom said, the water was "warm as God's pee."

That night we saw Anna's play. Let me tell you, nobody does "bitter, delusional, ex-Southern Belle hag" like Anna. Brilliant.

....

Skip to the morning - I think this is how everyone felt upon waking up.But Anna made us pancakes and all was well.Up close and personal with Tyne. I sure didn't take this picture.We are messy.I refused to leave until I was shown around town. It is a fine place, full of Dillon's food marts and yarn stores and fabric stores, and lots of hipsters.We went to the European/British Stuff store.Hot Scots Throwin' Shots, woo!Then we sat outside and drank Frenchberry juice like faux winos. Megan was going to get a tattoo, but all of the tattoo parlors were closed on Sunday, so we settled for fakes.

.....

All too soon it was time to go back to Nee-braska.

Hasta la vista, Bébé.

After

Ghetto Home Fabulous: Crack Pie Sugar Voodoo

No, Wikipedia, I did not mean "crack pipe".


It's pie, Baby - crack pie. At Momofuku restaurant in New York City, some clever ladychef whose name evades me invented this diabolical confection, and on food forums all across the interwebz, people talk about the stuff like it's black magic. Being a practitioner of Sugar Voodoo myself, I had to try it. Plus, the recipe calls for three and a half sticks of butter, nine eggs, and heavy creme. I mean, you might as well slather your body in manwich and jump in front of a hungry tiger because with 27 grams of fat per slice, this pie will kill you dead.

I will now walk you through the process with the aid of these ugly photographs.

BTW, I probably spent three hours making these suckers, and it wasn't just because I am inept at pie-making. There are FIFTY MILLION steps in this recipe, and lots of waiting involved.

First you have to mix up oatmeal cookie dough. Looks tasty, right? Blegh.

I preheated my oven and wondered where that burnt smell was coming from. Oh look! Residue from my last baking experiment! How delightful.

After twenty minutes, out pops a nice pan o' cookie.

Then you have to crumble your beautiful cookie and mix it with butter and sugar to make a crust.

This is the part that will give you a heart attack - the ooey gooey filling. I will note here that this pie is really expensive to make. I cried a little in the checkout lane at the grocery store as I was paying $8.55 for a box of powdered milk - oh, the humanity. What am I going to do with a giant, barely-used box of powdered milk, huh? Maybe I will save it for Christmas and use it as fake snow. That would be sufficiently ghetto home fabulous.

Finally the pie is poured and popped in the oven. I didn't notice that this pie pan had holes in the bottom until I lifted it up and found a huge puddle of pie-goo under the stove burner. Oops. Hopefully when my landlord comes today to fix my leaky toilet he won't look in my kitchen.

Out pops the pie, a wee bit burnt. I do not have the ability to talk on the phone and take a pie out of the oven at the same time. Nor do I have the ability to pause a phone conversation when I have a pie burning in the oven. Even an expensive pie.

Second time's the charm. It still looks like the surface of the moon, but perhaps a bit more appetizing than its predecessor.

I prepared myself for the crack-induced euphoria that was about to come over me and stuck an entire 27 grams of fat into my gaping pie-maw. Unfortunately, I did not see any brilliant colors, nor was I filled with nonsensical feelings of invincibility or the urge to vacuum my ceiling or whatever crack does to you. In fact, I didn't think it even tasted good enough to deserve the "crack pie" moniker. "Bonsai Tree Fertilizer Additive Sold On Shady Website *Wink Wink* Pie" would be much more appropriate, albeit a bit wordy.

P.S. Hopefully my work IT will not notice that I googled 'cocaine' three times in the last twenty minutes.

P.P.S. You can buy a legit crack pie directly from Momofuku's website and have it shipped straight to yo' door. That is, if you don't mind spending $44 on a PIE, or up to $50 on overnight shipping (!!!)

Things I Did Not Make, Photos I Did Not Take

Early 90's WWF pro wrestling + cake = two things I talk about way too much.

from Betty Turbo

Yes, this is accurate.

from Julia Pott

Is that hedgehog smoking a pipe?

Circus costumes on Flickr.

I wonder if they sell these at Walgreens...

Bork Bork

Here are some photos from our Swedish party.

Britt came over the night before and we made cinnamon rolls using her Mormor's recipe book.

I let the dough sit too long and it got huge.I made these little flags out of construction paper and sewed them together into a garland.Britt brought all of her Swedish decorations.I made this wig out of a ball of yarn and an old t-shirt so that everyone could take turns being a blonde Swede.Oh lordy.Jovi came as Alfred Nobel/Bjorn BorgBritt wore this beautiful embroidered folk dress that she found at the thrift store. This makes me want to go thrifting more. The rolls were devoured by the viking hordes.I ate far too many.Moko wore toile. Toile is FRENCH, Moko! We watched the Swedish chef on TV.
Tildar was repulsed by Ace of Base and the Cardigans. She prefers Ravel quartets. Luckily, she fell in love with Julie and the horrible, tacky dance music was forgotten. George had a dala horse.
Now I have the dala horse (thanks, Brittie!)Richie Tennebaum chilled out.The medal ceremony scene from Star Wars was splendidly re-enacted by Seth and Clint. And a merry night was had by all.